i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
