Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
