I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
