... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
