ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
