I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
