tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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