I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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