You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
