I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
