sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
