he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
