I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
