why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
