No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
