Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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