An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
