I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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