I only kidnapped one of them. chill
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
