so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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