remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
