Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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