The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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