threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
