she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
