Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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