dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
