dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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