Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
