my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
