Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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