His apartment number was 69. I had to.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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