did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The air was thick with penises
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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