All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
