so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
MIDGETS
????
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
