Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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