I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
