I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
