In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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