Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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