Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
