Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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