I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
