Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
