he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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