White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
