Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
