i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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