I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
