Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
